In two nights flat I've questioned everything I've EVER done. Why I've done them, and what drives me to do the things that are supposed to make me happy. Humans are such dynamic beings- we can have it all and still fall flat on our faces- we can have it all and still feel like we have nothing - and on the other hand we can have nothing and feel like we're on top of the world. I feel like I fall right in the middle, I continue to judge myself based upon the 'norm' and yet I tend to forget how much I've gained without even following the 'norm'. But the million dollar questions are- is it just by luck? will my luck run out?
I had a talk with a friend last night about how I felt like I don't measure up- dating has especially gotten me all wound up in figuring out what do I really have to give to a person? I wonder what they think of me given my past experiences? I poured my heart out to this friend and shared that I often feel like I'm up against the wall of China. How come people can put so much weight on occurances that was before they even existed. Obviously I'm not talking about past porn stars or drug addicts, but at times I even feel like the fact that I've been engaged counts against me.
So you're holding it against me that I fell in love and thought I found the one? How does that affect you? Because someone has held my heart before, well in that case you can't date just about anybody! Why don't people applaud my courage to take such a leap of love and faith, and then to turn around and have the same courage and wisdom to not enter into a union before God that would not have been a sustainable relationship?!?! My ex-fiance is a wonderful man-genuine, caring, intelligent...all the above..and I wish him the best and more- so I have not ONE regret. If anything he has made me a much stronger and supportive woman, and I wouldn't trade those experiences for the world----BUT there is a reason why we didn't walk down the aisle and for that I am grateful.
It hurts sometimes feeling like I have something to prove...I think men need to see WAY more then women do in the beginning. It easier for a woman to see potential, and to differentiate a man's actions while dating/single and how he is trending to perform in a relationship. Men tend to need to see the whole damn farm before they are even willing to negotiate moving further..and thats just so unfair.
No, I won't cut off every male friend so that you can feel like I'm all about you-how does that help me in the end?
Now what I CAN do is continue to put my time and energy into getting to know you, and conveying that I am indeed interested in something real, while still keeping my friendships in tact. That should be enough right??? WRONG!
I've had 3 failed attempts of playing the whole fast and loose scheme! I give said male ALL my time, attention, affection, and support - while still being able to juggle male friendships...and yet I still got the "you got too much going on" speech! Funny, because all I had going on was YOU!
Then, it immediately counts against me because I'm an attractive female (*backed by recent studies*) - so then everyone assumes that every male friend either wants more, has had more, or could get more in the right situation.
Well let's see...um....how is this different from me just walking around the world..everyday! This applies to all situations...work/gym/church..I could go on. I can't be locked in a box so that in the event and opportunity presents itself..I'm thoroughly protected o_O
This is why I think more people should practice ARROGANCE. Be so damn arrogant that when you are dealing with a person, Jesus himself could tell you that he or she is looking elsewhere and you think... O' no...it's me...I got this! lol Perhaps maybe not that arrogant, but why not just have a sense that you have enough to hold one's attention, you have enough for one to perhaps turn down the advance of another because they'd rather be on your arm, or just to know that if someone can pull another away...they were never yours.
*Disclaimer*: There was a day where I felt like I did indeed contribute to the "you got too much going on" speech...and I learned a lot from those situations. I feel like being young, I thought it was better to show that other people were willing to wine & dine in hopes that it would in turn light a fire under the one you're really trying to persue....and um...it lights a fire alright...set that whole relationship up in flames...I mean CRASH AND BURN! lol But I quickly learned from that, so these feelings are stemming from actually NOT playing the field and really just having true friends around that are only there for the purpose of a friendship.
I digress...but one of my issues is intimidation. I often look at one's accomplishments and think "Am I good enough for him to take me serious?" "Am I really worth his time"...and my good friend last night looked at me stunned and said "Are you serious?" LOL
Amazingly that's all it took for me to put down the crack pipe!(I was not actually smoking crack for any idiot that may use this joke against me) What am I thinking? Where did that come from? I had a 4yr relationship-years ago- where I spent the whole time trying to be good enough- thinking that I needed to prove that I could be just as successful- two things happened:
- I became VERY successful
- WE BROKE UP -surprised?? I didn't think so
The moral being he generally had nothing to do with my drive, that was already in me, but what he did do was make me feel like I had something missing when in fact what I was missing was a supportive significant other. So since that situation I've learned to not put a value on myself based on someone else's equation, and it's not to use that as an excuse to be mediocre, but to really judge myself only for myself. I still have tons of things I want to accomplish, but I am dead set on ONLY doing things unless I truly WANT to not because everyone else would think it's awesome.
I know plenty of people who just do stuff because they want the 'glory'...nah I'm good.
I may not have all the fantastic things that look awesome on paper(don't be confused...see resume attached..lol) but I have something in me that shines so bright..and the key is to find the right person with just the right vision to see what's really inside of me.
(my next tattoo by the way)
I'm still young, but I am certainly hoping to find someone to share life's ups and downs with- moving to Chicago has been a huge transition for me, and it would be nice to have a shoulder to cry on, or a shoulder to hide in during a movie..but I'm not sacrificing any part of me for a damn shoulder-until I come across the *right* person I'll just be content on getting on my dog Marleys' nerves!
